Air Force One is "Rapture Ready"

WASHINGTON DC (EAP) -- Air Force One has been officially declared "Rapture Ready," says president George W. Bush and a team of Pentagon and Air Force officials, after a new symbol was added to the tail section of the Boeing 747 which is used to transport the President and his staff around the country and world.

According to the Bible, when Jesus comes back, all kinds of calamities will take place, and President Bush wants to make sure that things are taken care of in an appropriate manner.

"There's already an American flag on the tail section of Air Force One, and after praying to Jesus one day, He told me that something more was needed, so I decided to add a new seal to the tail section to proclaim that it was "Under The Control of God" or "Rapture Ready," Bush said.

Seen at right, the new logo is barely visible under and to the left of the American flag.

"I want the American people to know that even if I happen to be flying around in Air Force One when Jesus comes back, I'll still be in contact with the Pentagon and with Jesus, via my official cell phone, and that I'll be relaying my messages down to Earth to anyone left in the Pentagon, telling them to land Air Force One safely, just in case Jesus has too many other things on His mind at the time."

"I hope and pray that Jesus won't take away my cell phone when I get raptured, otherwise I might be in a tight spot. I also don't want any innocent people to be killed, but I'm readier than ever for Jesus to come back and take away some of my responsibilities as President."

"Perhaps Jesus can balance the budget better than I've managed to, I don't know for sure, but I have faith that He can."

Bush says that he likes to think of himself as doing things to help usher in the second coming and return of Jesus, that's why he wants to help Jesus be free from the worries of controlling Air Force One.

"I want Him to focus His Superpowers on the different axes of evil, and rooting them out, like I've been trying to do for the last five years. I hope He can help me catch Osama Bin Laden like he helped me catch Saddam Hussein," Bush said.

Non-believers and many Christian critics alike say that president Bush has taken his Jesus beliefs way too far.

"Not all Christians believe in the rapture, so the President is making a fool of himself and embarrassing us rational Christians," say several spokespeople for Christian groups who oppose the new "Rapture Ready" seal.

Seen at left, president Bush is descending from Air Force One, with the Presidential Eagle seal to his upper right, where he was considering putting the new "Rapture Ready" seal before he contacted Jesus to get a second opinion on the matter.

"Where exactly to put it came to me after heavy praying and then in a dream one night after I'd been too busy to eat a decent meal all day."

"Some people have claimed that I was fasting, but I was actually just too busy and nervous to eat very much that day."

According to Air Force officials, Air Force One is equipped with a highly sophisticated remote control system which allows it to take off and land with no one actually at the controls except the people in the Pentagon, and certain key people in the FAA.

"We can send Air Force One's auto-pilot remote commands in the event of a hijack or some other situation where the aircraft is out of control or unmanned because the crew has been raptured, or taken hostage, or something else which prevents anyone on board from actually flying the plane."

"There's nothing to worry about, even when Jesus comes back. We have everything under control, and American tax dollars are hard at work in this matter," FAA and Pentagon officials say.