Canadian Christians Ask Jesus For Help
With Trash Problem

by Elroy Willis

TORONTO (EAP) -- Guilt-ridden Christian environmentalists gathered together today to launch a campaign to take care of Toronto's ever-growing trash problem. They plan to pray the trash away by forming prayer circles around the heaps of Toronto's garbage and asking Jesus to take it away.

"Jesus wouldn't want us to send our trash to other countries," say Canadians from various Christian sects and denominations. "We should take care of our own garbage," they say.

With the help of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, they hope to be able to muster up enough faith to move small mountains of garbage and get rid of it, without having to send it to other countries or places where the garbage would contaminate the environment.

"Jesus can magic the garbage away if we all pray hard enough," seems to be the basic belief among Christians who think Jesus can perform miracles if people are sincere enough in their prayers to Him. Since trash disposal is a growing problem, Jesus is sure to be on top of things they say.

Catholic groups are offering the help of "Mother Mary," who seems to be shunned by some Canadian Protestant groups when it comes to asking for help from God.

"Mother Mary helped us get rain last summer when we prayed to Her, so we don't see why we shouldn't also pray to Her to help us get rid of our garbage and encourage other people to do the same."

"We've decided to join forces and forget about our differences for now," says 42-year-old Joe Young, leader of a Protestant Christian group which calls itself "Canadian Crusaders For Christ."

The group sports an anti-Catholic theme in its teachings and believes the Pope is the anti-Christ and that the Roman Catholic Church is the whore of Babylon, but nevertheless, Young says that if praying to Mary can possibly help out Toronto with its trash problem, then it's worth a shot.

"What have we got to lose?" he asked.

"My son and wife and I prayed around a little pile of Q-tips that we used to clean out our ears and tossed into the back yard, and in a few minutes, a crow flew down and picked up the Q-tips and flew off with them."

"Jesus sent the crow to us," Young claims. "It was a sign from God that He will take care of all our trash if we have enough faith."

"I throw all our food scraps out on the front and back lawn. Something will end up eating them sooner or later or they'll just decompose and provide fertilizer for the lawn," he said.

Angry neighbors have verbally attacked Young and his family for his actions and attitude, and claim he's only encouraging wild animals to come into the neighborhood for a free meal.

Despite the disputes and disagreements between rival Christian groups, it's clear that many Canadian Christians believe Jesus will be able to take care of Toronto's trash problem, and are willing to stake their faith on it by organizing 24-hour prayer circles surrounding designated garbage dumps.

"If Jesus can't get rid of our garbage, nobody can."

"We're ready to pray 'round the clock," they said.

Other Christian groups claim that asking Jesus to magic away the garbage would be testing God, and think that it's a violation of scripture. "God has bigger things on His mind than our garbage," they said.

"They'll just make God mad, and we don't know what that might lead to," they said. "Maybe a worse garbage problem or even a plague of some kind, so why risk it?" they asked.

Various reports of a truck driver named Jesus who hauls trash from Toronto to Michigan are the closest thing anyone has seen to a miracle. Some people say he sneaks into the trash dumps and loads up his truck while the people praying have fallen asleep, and when they wake up and see the garbage gone, they claim Jesus took it away and that it was a miracle.


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